Un’Pomeriggio… (One Afternoon)

I began to search for some of my important documents on my file cabinet one afternoon. My mind was only set for those papers, when I pulled out an envelope from the far end. I didn’t have any idea on what was on it, so out of my curiosity I opened it. To my surprise, they were my old letters and files when I was still abroad. I robbed a moment to sit down and began reading them one by one.

First I saw my old plane ticket, still on its original envelope, and with my complete flight itinerary. Then, some of my train tickets especially the one from EUROStar, the best and modern train in Europe were also there. I have also known that I’m still keeping my old birthday card mailed to me by my parents and there, stated my cash gift of $2000 which I spent when I went to Munich and Cologne for the World Youth Day and of course, my drinking spree during the Oktoberfest in Bavaria. Also included were the letters and greeting cards from my classmates in Rome. The cards were quite symbolic because those were the cards that they brought from their country. I got a card from Japan which was given by my Theology classmate Tanaka Hiromasa, a Buddhist seminarian who studied Christian Theology with me in The Gregorian University. There were also from Africa, namely Tanzania, Kenya, Cameroon and Burundi. Their card were decorated with African design. They were from Muyayu Kalunga, Wala Liswaba, Flauribert Takwa and Emmanuel Ngawu. There were a lot of letters from different countries in five continents. Some were given from the countries I had visited and some were from my classmates and school mates who had shared with me their time and unity when I was still living the life of chastity, poverty and obedience.

Then I realized that I robbed much time for reading those beautiful memorabilia from the past. I forgot what I need to look for in the first place. I took a shower then after because I need to pick someone up before 6:00 pm. It was really an afternoon. 

Tears

Every moment spent turns to be a blissful one, yet, I can’t stop crying. I cried because there are certain things that hurt me even if everything seem fine. There are certain moments I wish I could turn to happiness but melancholy haunts me down. There are instances that I want to enjoy but I can’t because of jealousy. That’s the reason why I can’t stop crying.

Every time something upsets me, it turns out to be that what I sacrificed becomes a waste. I endured a lot in anguish. I endured something that no human can endure. I loved that no man can equal. I loved as equal as the Divine. Yet, I can’t stop crying when these sacrifices weren’t appreciated.

I can’t stop crying whenever things that once bruised me, were done once again and repeatedly being done. I can’t stop crying whenever things you had done once with “him” were the same as with me in my time. I can’t stop crying when secrets are kept but it’s I who unraveled them in the end. I can’t stop crying whenever I’m always the only one trying to patch things up. I can’t stop crying whenever you failed to amend your flaws. I can’t stop crying whenever even I’m in the right track but still you are too defensive in favor of the passive course. I can’t stop crying whenever you doubt my sincerity and fidelity. I can’t stop crying whenever I measured only by numbers and time. I can’t stop crying when to refuse to listen and make your point. I can’t stop crying when you value lesser things that the greater ones or you only realized my great deeds but don’t mind the least that I did. I can’t stop crying when I see that a book is more precious than my time. I can’t stop crying when you try to judge me ahead in a pessimistic way. I can’t stop crying when you consider the lesser evil as OK but point at the flaws much of the time and even on my flaws born by the past. I can’t stop crying when you value earthly things than our supposed time with the Divine. I can’t stop crying when you too cry in front of me because of my mistakes and errors….. I may be the most imperfect being that ever existed, but I have perfected and even equaled God in Loving.

My First True Love

Even now
I think about you
I can't help it
It's just something I'm used to
I'll never forget you
You were my first love
There's no way to stop
This feeling I get
When I think of you
We were perfect for each other
What went so wrong?
I guess things just changed
We both just moved on
I'll always love you though
I could never stop
I see you in the hallways
And my heart still begins to race
"I shouldn't feel this anymore"
I tell myself everyday
You probably hate me
For the decisions that I've made
But I'll always love you
No matter what I do
I'll never forget you
You were my first true love.

Lesson on Forgiveness

At one time or another we have all been hurt in our relationships. Some hurts are minor such as personal slights or embarrassing moments. Other hurts are more profound as with acts of emotional or physical abuse.

In either case the reaction to the hurt is to sometimes say, "I will never forgive." Maybe you have made this statement. If you have then consider this question, "When you don’t forgive, who suffers?"

What happens when you don’t forgive? Often you will think about the hurt. Events of the day remind you. You might see the person on the street and remember what they did. Someone mentions their name and the hurt is rekindled. A song on the radio stirs the embers of the pain. You might work with the person or even live with them. Everyday you may be reminded of what happened.

Once reminded, you start thinking about how bad it was. How, unfair. How you didn’t deserve it. You are filled with anger and resentment, or sadness and loss. You say again, "I will never forgive."

At this point who is feeling bad? Who is miserable? The answer is "You!"

What is the other person doing? Most likely not busy thinking about you. They may not remember what happened or even know you were hurt. They may not care that you were hurt. They are feeling fine.

However, you keep thinking about, "How bad it was." Your lack of forgiveness is only hurting you. You end up miserable. What would happen if you were to forgive? Who would get better? Again the answer is "You!"

You must remember that, "Forgiveness is always for you." You don’t forgive for the other person. You forgive so you can get better. 
Forgiveness is a letting go. It is freeing of yourself. If this is true, then why is forgiveness so difficult? It is difficult because it can seem like "giving in" or being weak. We don’t want to be weak, so we don’t forgive. It can seem like an approval of what happened. We may worry that forgiving might be an invitation to be mistreated again. Also, not forgiving can give you sense of power and control through the holding a grudge. Not forgiving and holding a resentment is like having a wound which you check everyday to see if it is healing.

Everyday you open it up to look and sure enough it is not any better. To heal from a wound you must stop checking on it everyday. To heal from hurt you must stop reliving it everyday. Remember, forgiveness frees you. It recaptures the energy that you were giving away in sadness, anger, and revenge. Forgiveness also empowers you. It puts you back in charge of you. The forgiveness choice is, " Do you want to be bitter or better." Keep holding on to the pain and you will be bitter. Make the better choice. Learn to let go. Learn to be a forgiving person.

How Can I Forget?

That very first day that we met
It's a feeling I'll never forget.
All the experiences that we've shared,
I knew right away that you were rare.

You see, it's hard to find a someone like you,
Usually they're too good to be true.
Though I should've entered with more ration,
But with you I felt so much passion.

I wish those things had never happened.
It feels as though my love's been abandoned.
All I wanted was to make you happy,
So why is it that I have to feel so crappy?

I want nothing more than for us to move on,
>But it's so hard now that the trust is gone.
>I want to get past this, I really do...
What can I do to make you be true?

My love for you is like an undying flame.
And I once wished for our love to remain.
Do you remember that day, the day that it snowed?
It's the day that I wished for our love to grow.

You hurt me that night, you need to know that you did.
And I need you to know that I can forgive.
But I'm really struggling with trying to forget,
Because I still feel the same as that first day we met.

One Life We Lead

The biggest risk a heart can take,
A second chance, it’s there to make.
Turned into three, there can’t be four,
Gone from your life, if it turns more.

I can’t rule your life for you,
The choice is yours, with what to do.
Though if it comes, please spare me this,
Your love for me cannot exist.

Inside I have, but nothing left,
In times of love, it feels like death.
It’s taken more than I first knew,
I had to give, my strength it’s through.

I’m only human, man and boy,
Don’t treat me like I’m just a toy.
I hope from now, you’ll think of me,
Through distance, love, brutality.

One life we lead, to walk this land,
At times it’s hard, at times it’s grand.
Mistakes we’ll make, through them we grow,
It’s far too hard to see you go.

If you do care, then I believe,
We’ll make it through, this time to grieve.
And out the other side we’ll go,
Through, thick, through thin, through rain through snow.

The future comes, the past, forgot,
Dishonesty, it starts to rot.
No lies be told, we start as new,
From you to me, from me to you.

One year, it’s down, though not through ease,
Two more, we can, we must, I plead.
Please keep these thoughts so you can see,
How much in life, you mean to me.

My Baby.
I love you.
I forgive you.
But don’t take advantage of that.

Despite

I forgive you
Despite the pain and anger I've had in my life
I wish you were near
Despite the tears that fell from my eyes
I will always love you
You are my mom and nothing can change that and
Despite the fact that you were never there
I still want you to be!!!!!!

Shhhhssss... It's a Secret

Shhhssss…. Be quiet!

Keep still, someone might hear.
Keep it low, so nobody could find out
even if they’re near.
Be on guard. Look around
if the coast is clear.
Move quietly
and let’s get out from here.

Shhhhsss…. Be quiet!


This must not come out.
Keep your voice down
and please don’t shout.
Whisper quietly into my ear.
And make sure that someone isn’t near.
Hurry up so that we won’t get busted,
If in that case we will end up damn wasted.

Shhhhssss… Be quiet!

Even there is a little stench,
never say a word or give an inch.
Hide it carefully so that nobody could see,
and just think in your conscience you are crime- free.
Even if he finds out,
never ever attempt to come out.

Shhhhsss… Be quiet!

He doesn’t know what we did.
Telling him the truth is what I most forbid.
Just keep it secret and low,
and never say anything that will give him a clue.
Just remember everything I have said,
If you won’t, you’ll be dead.

Oh my! He found out what we did!
Now it’s only up to you,
and you’re on your own.
I did the best on my part,
but you weren’t good in hiding from the start.
Watch me as I flee and leave you in your peril,
that’s what you get for trusting the devil…

Shhhsss…Be quiet!...

Shalom Lechem, Rabboni!

Along came with armed soldiers of the High Priest, Judas approached the Lord and said: “Rabboni”. As these words were said, his lips touched the Lord’s cheek. The soldiers grabbed the Lord as if like an animal to be slaughtered. The Lord endured the punches and blows given by the merciless soldiers of Caiaphas. The Lord remained calm and meek as a lamb waiting for its death as a sacrificial offering for the atonement of man’s sins.

Thirty pieces of silver, a good price for the Messiah’s head. Judas sold his Lord for just thirty pieces of silver, a lesser element than gold. He grasp so hard on the purse that contains his vanity. He won’t let go of the cheap price for the Son of God. He was succumbed by greed, envy and vain. Poor Judas, his kiss delivered the Lord into the hands of suffering, agony and death. He betrayed the Lord. But the Lord drank the cup of death and embraced His dreadful fate. While the traitor Judas was just there on the side, counting the silver coins if they are in exact quantity.

The Lord was condemned to die on the most humiliating death, was beaten with clubs, lashed with “fulcrums” and crowed with two- inch thorns. The Lord was stripped off from His garments, lifted the burdensome cross to “Golgotha” and nailed on it with an insignia that criticizes Him written in Hebrew, Greek, and Latin. On the other hand, the traitor Judas realized his flaws. His conscience began to devour him. He can’t endure living in disgrace and humiliation because he sold the Lord for mere silver coins. He began to beg for forgiveness. But it’s too late for an apology. The Lord has already been held in the arms of Hades. Alas, Judas was left desperate with nothing to do. He rushed to the field he bought called “Akeldama” or the Field of Blood, remorse from his sins, hanged himself until he bursts open and all his insides spilled out, a tragic fate for the one who sold the Lord and betrayed the Son of God.

But in some way Judas is to be honored. There were men and women who betrayed their kindred, their love or their God, but offered no remorse, no apologies, nor regrets and, held their sins with pride. Woe to them! Judas is far better than them because he learned how to regret even if it was too late. Let this be the bottom-line, traitors will suffer the same fate as of Judas, from the tribe of Iscarii, in the land of Hebron Valley unless they know how to regret or better to avoid being another Judas the Iscariot.

No Revenge, No Victory

Even if I won the fight, I can't resist thinking that I once been wounded. I always seek for revenge because nothing comes out  of mere victory unless a blood has been shed. Your opponent may be at ease even though he accepted his loss and applauded you as a victor. I won't accept that even in your victory, the loser just stands along the road as you walk. The loser needs to be on his knees, regretting the the act he once did. The loser must be in agony. I want to hear the sweet scream of his remorse. I want to see his pain and being sorry to what he did.

Each time the story is being recalled, a bullet is always loaded, the blade is always sharpened and tucked in to its sheath, and plots were made. No victory ends without a sweet revenge to your opponent. I will not accept victory alone unless I made my revenge, for it will make me a lesser man if I won't... You took one, I'll take a dozen... You should know who you are messing with... Expect the unexpected... Expect the me as an incubus of your nights... Good luck that I will not find you....